Too Much To Hold

24 Dec

I once had  a family.

In this holiday spirit I lasso the lessons I learned about loyalty, love and kindness. In these values there is a generosity of heart, of spirit, the willingness of giving, that I take forward.

Someone taught me that if I were to give, I should never expect. I learned that lesson well.

There’s been times that I did expect, that my complaints resounded with the words “I wish.”  Now I rely on my absolute right-brain knowledge, but oftentimes my heart gets in the way.

I was brought up to believe that everyone would welcome me. How hard that brain muscle had to work to find out that wasn’t the case. But I press on.

As I grew, as I came into the world, my own woman (gee, I was forty-something),  I called upon the values I received as a young girl because these were the values my family members gave to me.

I held onto them like a dog on a bone.

In 2012 “it’s all about me.”  See, I bought a couple of good bars of soap; I didn’t eat the pizza pie alone; I bought a new pair of hiking boots and gave the old ones to charity; I told the lady next door, “Look, if you hurt my dog, I’m not going to say hello to you anymore – you gotta’ like my dog.”

I once had a family.

My family,  in the short time we had,  taught me the lessons of giving, of giving with your heart.  In conversation, time – time of listening – to welcome friends over, to cherish their time, I love the people in my life. I have developed my friendships  – but I’m nobody’s fool.

In 2012, I know exactly what to do:

because I have too much to hold, because I’ve learned the lessons of humility, because I thank God for giving me everything I have –  my cup runneth over, because I’m older and without the guidelines of mortality, but moreso the timeline of mortality –

I give you my love, but I can’t give so much time.

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